7 months 7 days

She's my everything

Current sleep schedule

Everything has changed since I went back to work

Now, Natalie is 

- Up at 8/830

- naps twice

- down by 9/930

So, here's our usual (& crazy) schedule
When i work, i get home earliest 745 PM, but regardles

830 PM- bath, sometimes skipped

9/930 PM- ideally, baby is asleep

If I can't get her to sleep, James takes her at 930 and works his magic. Regardless, she sleeps on me until
1030/11 PM when I transfer her off me.  which honestly hasn't been happening

**10 PM to 130/2 AM** James on work call, yup. five nights a week, poor daddy

1130 PM/ 12 AM- wakes up, usually a diaper change & some snuggle fixes her up. If not, I'll nurse her & put her down next to me. This is when I sleep-sleep

130/2 AM- when James goes to sleep, I'll dream nurse Natalie.  Skipped if she nursed at MN

430/5 AM- like an alarm, she wakes up.  Then i'll nurse her.  there's been 1-2 occasions that when she doesn't wake..

6 AM- I'll wake her to nurse her before leaving to work. 

8/830 AM- up and James takes her to daycare by 845, or she hangs out with mama on my day off 

Natalie used to wake with the sun & have 3 naps.  Now that she sleeps in, she gets 2 naps

Usually 12, for 30 mins 

Usually 4, for 60-90 mins 

That said, just last week she had an epic 3 hour nap at 330, haha

Day before

I am going to miss her dearly tomorrow.  Twelve hour shift, plus the commute. I won't see her for over 13 hours.  Since her birth, I don't think I've gone more than an hour or two of separation.

Baby is having a tough time going to sleep tonight, even with the sleep routine spot on.  She's just not having it

Obviously tired, rubbing her eyes every chance she gets & making her little sleep sounds.  But my go-to side diagonal hold  couple with the "Nari Nari Nari Natalie" lullaby just isn't working.

She must sense my worry and anxiety

As a breather (for me, & cool down for baby), I laid her next to my face on the bed. She atretched, and enjoyed the sheets coolness.  She was just perfect, the adoring eyes as she reached for my face and hair.  I was about to reach for my phone to snap a photo, but just decided to relish that moment.  Brought me to tears

Mamma

During tummy time today, Natalie looked straight at me and said Mamma.  

Yes, it was part of her whining, and was sandwiched between her other baby babble. Yes, she was looking at me, almost in tears, trying to ask to be carried.  But it was clear, distinct, and there.

Oh & Happy THREE Months

A day late, but here goes..

Happy THREE months! 

My dear daughter, you've become quite the chunkster & your parents couldn't be any prouder. We love your smiles, your giggles, your singing along to our horrible lullaby attempts.  We love how you coo at your best friends (albeit a flower mobile above your changing pad), how you study your shapes and colors with determination, & your fervorous piano playing (a fisher price play gym). As I mentally prepare to go back to work, I treasure every little bit of this time we have together.  Especially our snuggle time, *tears*

This month, mommy is Looking forward to celebrating your 100th day, then heading out for a family road trip. Eek!  Love love love you

12 weeks

Happy INDEPENDENCE day

Had a nice family outing to Maggiano's at Costa Mesa, to celebrate Ava's first.  It did include me cramped up on the paper towel table in the family bathroom, breastfeeding Natalie.  Twice.  Photo evidence on daddy's fancy d-SLR hehe. It was just nice to go somewhere as a family, and I truly think Natalie enjoyed herself. She was completely entertained, even drooled on her new pretty Chloe dress 

I guessed money, but little Ava picked the  stethoscope for her dohl janchee.  That was James' guess

We ended up coming straight home & enjoyed a wonderful last minute streak dinner. Gotta grill on summer holidays, right? Did some prep work to not startle Natalie with the local fireworks.  Turning on the central air, shutting all windows, holding and singing to her.  Then I noticed fireworks reflecting off the television.  Turned out, her had prime view from the loft window 

We might just have to stay in every year!

11 weeks

Oh how I love my little squish angel.  And how she adores me, happiest in my arms & tracking me when held by anybody else including daddy.

She's been really playing lots under her Underwater playgym & jungle mobile.  A good ten minutes at each "station", which might not seem like much but it's my opportunity to shove my mouth with lunch (sometimes chips and a drink) or take a pee.  She loves her flower mobile above the changing table, often cooing and smiling.  I refer to them as her best friends.  So I went and got the wimmer-ferguson stim mobile, which essentially are these simple image or patterned cards.  It's been attaching to her RockNplay cradle.  Initially she was ambivalent, but now catching her attention a bit more.

On a side note, the RNP has affectionately been renamed the Poop chair by daddy.  Cuz essentially, she's been going poop in there quite well.  I think it gives her little feet something to push against, hehe

The swing is still where she ends up hanging out, so mommy & daddy can have our meals together.  I try not to abuse her affinity for it, so I might have her in there max twice weekly (in addition to our dinners) to be able to do whatever emergent thing.

This past week, she's been sleeping through the nights.  There are several caveats..
- That it requires some work to get here to unwind and relax.  This including hourly nursing for several sessions.  Me holding and dancing her, to my childhood tunes.. Sound of Music, Disney's it's a small world, kindergarten and Christmas songs
- If she's too fussy, we include a bath that averages every other day
- keeping her warm, the footed pajamas have been working the best
- Also, her first "round" of deep sleep is in my arms against my shoulder and chest.  It's okay, since that's my time to catch up with the world via iPad (including now).  I no longer bother trying to put her down, as she would wake in minutes.  At which point, only nursing would calm her.  But of course, my supply wouldn't have replenished and it becomes a nightmarish downward spiraling insomnia for the both of us
- When I hear her rustle about, usually after a good 2 hours after the start of her nursing, I take her for a diaper change and usually a session of in-the-dark night nursing.  I can't be lazy about this, cuz once she fully awakens, I would have to start from the very beginning
- this would total 10-13 hours of sleep, only interrupted wth the above (which is realy just me hustling)

I want to say we got a pretty good understanding of each other:)

Smiles & Giggle

It's a special day,

This evening natalie smiled & giggled. Not her typical "gas smile" reflex, but a true one as i smiled & talked to her.  

It struck my heart in a way, I can't even describe 

Other than, I am so in love 

7 weeks

5 weeks

5/16/15

Time just keeps passing, 

Just seems like I just gave birth & met my little baby.  But here I am with an almost-chubby little person of mine.  I sometimes look at her, overwhelmed by love, and wonder jc 

My Problems

When they baby was up since 4AM and finally falls asleep after 8AM

But.. Deeply asleep, snoring softly, beautiful to see & hear. But On my chest

My boobies are KILLING me

I need her to nurse or I need to pump

But I don't want I wake her...

Laying here wondering what to do, seems like a bigger dilemma than anything I've had to decide before

Can't believe this is my life ..

I envy (non- parents) people having real problems, making real decisions 

Becoming a mom, I realize how these small (stupid) decisions can occupy the mind, to almost a point of insanity 

Now I see how it's such a big deal.. Which preschool/ summer camp/ 50% on a spelling test can become

4 weeks

5/9/15

Post partum, babies are no longer something weeks old. But it's become a habit, after time lining my pregnancy in suchc fashion

Happy 4 weeks, to my beautiful (& perpetually hungry) little baby Natalie 

She likes being tucked inside an armpit, my shoulders were crampy but I didn't care since my heart was full 

Happy Mother's Day

My first as a mother.

Spent at home, with husband and daughter.  Pancake brunch & Mexican dinner.  I prefer no other way 

Also, thought this article just hit home for me 

I Finally See You, Mom

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7161612

Mothers Revolve Around Their Children

Happy 3 weeks, my angel

With everyday, I become less of myself and more your mother. I can clearly see how women lose their identity to simply become a child's mom.  It's all worth it, as I start knowing your nuances.  

I'm getting quite well versed on how to keep you more comfortable.  It's really the simple things.. when to diaper change, how to diaper change as quickly as possible with the Pavlik harness.  When to feed you, when to wake you up for a feed.  How to feed you, how to pace your feeds.  You've started having gas, and I've started giving you back massages with 2 fingers squeezed behind your harness back straps.  Techniques to put you to sleep, then keep you asleep (hopefully in your bassinet but oftentimes) even if it means that I'm awkwardly sit-laying to become your warm vibrating mattress.  These small simple things define my life as of now, along with every 2-2.5 hours pumping sessions to provide your sustenance. 

I live for your smiles, your grunts and gurgles.  I love your smell, your soft skin, your full head of blonde streaked dark hair.  My heart is full, as you grew an extra chin and a giant belly this past week.  I live to see you developing, Just yesterday you changed your focus to me as I came to you.  You looked straight at me, into my eyes. Oh how it thrilled me that you wanted to see your mother.

I love you so much, incredibly so. 

All the Little Things

Having a newborn, it's all the little things that amazes me.  Every funny face, smile, Just now, we realized she turns 

I Spy a..

Double chin!

Oh, how that thrills my heart. 

Happy News

Never been so nervous..

Waiting at the pediatrician office for baby's 3rd weight check post discharge 

--

!! UPDATE !!

1. WEIGHT 

Natalie is now 6 lb 10 oz, almost birth weight of 6 lb 11 oz but more importantly.. 

SHE GAINED 1 oz/ day SINCE MONDAY APPOINTMENT, & when the pediatrician saw how much / often she's been feeding.. No more weight check visits. Next visit to pediatrician will be for her vaccinations 

2. HIP DYSPLASIA

Already has improved with 2 days of the harness.  Orthopedic surgeon is aware of her case & recommends the harness 23-24hours/ day until he sees her in 2 weeks.  From there, she might be off it, OR possible continue until her ultrasound. Speaking of which, ortho doesn't see the 3.5 week ultrasound necessary & it'll be rescheduled to the usual 6 weeks.  

I'm ecstatic that the pediatrician can feel/ hear the improvement!! 

& yes I'm pumping

Amazon hands free bra is awesome!

Harnessed

Today, after coming home with a Pavlik harness. She cried and I couldn't  comfort her the Usual way.  My holding her in my arms was no longer comfortable, so I laid her on my belly and sobbed uncontrollably

Never felt so much defeat sadness and sense of failure.  I felt handicapped 

In that moment, my baby Natalie stopped crying. She looked towards me, & as I saw her beautiful eyes.. I just cried so much more for the love I feel for her

-- 

Day 10 started off great.  I embraced the new feedings, and took pumping with a frevor.  My chapped hands and broken nails are a testament to my determination to clean everything sterile & perfect.  I log each session each bottle, planned my waking & sleeping moment around pumping & feeding.  In exchange, Natalie expends less energy in feeding & sleeps better. Her dirty diapers have increased, even despite my almost nill left boob.  I even was able to pump an extra bottle (albeit only 0.4 oz) that came in handy at the harness fitting 

Natalie's extra sleep gave me the opportunity to make phone calls.  Now we have an orthopedic appt, & was in the works of getting that Pavlik harness.  Last minute, we were able to be seen at Santa Monica. Sweet daddy met us there

Unfortunately, the therapist? Technician? Was a complete.. Idiot. He fumbled with everything, didn't have any information or advice, & his "fitting" was just an attempt to make her look like the photo in the instruction handout.  & even then, the chest piece was inappropriately placed 'a date pas were dangling everywhere.  What a frustrating experience, 

But luckily, daddy fixed everything at home. 

Today, James really fixed everything. I love him so much, & I can't wait to see how much Natalie will love her daddy.

Love

As I hold my little baby daughter in my arms, I just feel so overwhelmed by a love I've never felt before. It fills me, so full that it has nowhere to go but burst.  In tears.  These tears are of love, gratitude, and joy.

This teeny snoring baby that sighs and grunts and smirks and frowns, hiccups too.  All in her sleep, in my arms just now. And entire life of emotions in just one dream

then just bursts into

I succumbed

Gave her a paci